But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
