what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
