I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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