Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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