Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
