I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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