she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
