Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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