Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
