I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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