I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
