I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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