Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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