Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
