dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
