i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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