it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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