Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Couch. On fire.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize