Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize