someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Naked. naked and bneed help.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
