holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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