Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize