Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
