May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
