my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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