He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
