No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
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