so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
