I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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