She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
