you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
