i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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