No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
