Your dad touched me again.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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