Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I wish I only lived at night.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
