I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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