We're like a lot better than the average bears
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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