i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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