Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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