fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
