i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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