I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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