He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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