its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
