my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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