If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
