oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
