I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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