My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
