Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize