Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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