She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
