I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
