dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Everyone says I win the strip club
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
