just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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