my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
