I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
