On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
