Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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